Not Alone

Mental illness sucks. Whether you suffer from mild depression or extreme anxiety, or any number of other forms mental illness takes- it just blows.

I've suffered from both depression and anxiety since childhood, and am currently experiencing both with debilitating severity. As hard as it is to admit, I've had suicidal thoughts multiple times over the last several months. I have some good days, but lately they are far outweighed by the bad days- the days where I literally can't function and show up for my life. 

I'm constantly reminded that my mental illness causes me to be viewed with a certain stigma. Many of my family and friends have not dealt with mental illness and aren't able to understand. Just because you can't see it, like a broken leg or open wound, doesn't mean it's not just as real. 

There are too many people who, like me, suffer in silence. We are desperate to get healthy but are struggling because we need the understanding and support of those around us to help us get healthy. It's hard to get healthy when you feel like you can't even talk about what's wrong. We're too afraid of being viewed as weak, lazy, "checking out", etc.. I've heard it all. So many people don't realize how hurtful saying some of these things can be to a person who's suffering. Words are powerful.  

We break down and cry or feel paralyzed by anxiety, and honestly sometimes we don't even know why. I struggle with depression, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. Some days I can't go in public or answer my phone. Even the sound of my phone dinging shoots a fresh of dose of anxiety through my veins. Some days I can't get out of bed or off of the couch. Some days I can't sleep at all, sometimes sleeping is all I can do. I go back and forth between not being able to eat at all and binge eating. I've struggled with bulimia in the past. My anxiety rules my life in ways many people can't imagine. Anytime something unexpected happens, my anxiety goes into overdrive and my body and mind seem to work together to ensure I handle it in the worst way possible. This only feeds my depression as I feel horrible about myself and embarrassed that I can't seem to do life like so many others. 

I don't understand why, in this day and age, mental illness is still treated the way it is. I may only be one person with one voice, but I intend to use my voice to let everyone else out there who suffers from mental illness that they're not alone.